Lost & Found: A Search for Hope

Lately I've been feeling like I've completely lost myself and who I used to be.
And I'm not sure exactly how to go about finding myself either.
Apparently it seems to start with me being able to lay down both my pride and my innate need to control everything.
But that's definitely way easier said than done because the world that I live in says that:

Failure is not an option.

Quitting is not an option.

• So we trudge on.
• We keep pushing through.
• Counting down the hours/days/weeks, etc til the next thing we're looking forward to.
• Til the next time that we can veg out, disconnect, not have to engage with anyone or anything.
• We're not thriving.
• Some days we feel like we're barely surviving.
• But we don't know how to get out.
• "What's the point? we ask.
• "Is anything ever really ever going to change? CAN we even change?" 
• Do we even want to?
• We hate the drudgery, but we find plenty of excuses to stay in it.
• Perhaps it's familiar.
• Perhaps it feels safe.
• But it's NOT!
• Deep down inside we KNOW it's NOT.
• Once again though, that knowledge is quieted by that voice inside that once again says, "What's the point? Why bother trying?"
• And so we run back, sometimes slink back to those old familiar habits and addictions...
• They're not anymore satisfying than last time, maybe even less so...but they are THERE. Always there. Perhaps unlike the people we feel should be there. Or maybe it's the people we wish could be there. And yet.. they're NOT. 
• And it hurts too hard to ask the real questions, to deal with the real problems. We can handle a band-aid now and then, but full-on open heart surgery?? NO THANKS.
• We're fine with being fine or so we tell ourselves as we drift numbly through life, refusing to deal with the bigger issues at hand.
• We're like an ostrich with its head buried in the sand. "If I don't admit to it/see it, then it doesn't exist..."
• And YET there's something inside that calls us to something MORE.  Something Deeper. Bigger. Better. In the quiet and stillness of our hearts we yearn for it so deeply, even more so than words could bear. And so it pushes us back. Back to that moment (or moments) that broke us -- asking, questioning, trying to find healing, to find a way to move on. And sometimes we do find a way to move on, to make progress. 
• And then some days we push it back under the rug. We hide it next to our hopes and dreams we once had and are trying our best to forget about.
• But there's something inside us that won't let us let it go, that won't let us forget...As much as we want to, it won't let us. As much as we want to surrender it, to give it up for good, for lost, it won't let us. It instead refuses to surrender, to let go of us. It keeps showing up, speaking to us, speaking to our hearts, asking us to hang on just a little bit longer because while hope deferred does indeed make the heart sick, how MUCH MORE does a longing fulfilled become a tree of life?? And a tree of life is one with roots. Solid deep down roots! 
• Roots who KNOW who they BELONG to and where they're supposed to be. Roots that have learned how to ABIDE, how to rest and draw nutrients from the soil they are in. 
• So we try once more, to surrender everything once again. And hope that even though we feel like we're 50 steps behind (and we may very well be), we can still perhaps make just one step forward today. 
• And in that moment we are hoping to be reminded that EACH STEP matters and each is PROGRESS whether it feels like it or not. And sometimes that hope is just audacious enough to keep us believing, to keep us moving forward til hopefully one day we'll discover that we are indeed THRIVING instead of just surviving.
• Because that's what HOPE in Jesus does. It pushes us back to YOU, Jesus. It holds on and it won't let go.  Because You won't let go, You won't relent until You have it all, until our whole heart is Yours.  Because You know that Your mercies are NEW every morning,  Great is Your Faithfulness!
• And while we feel like we may never change, it turns out it's ONLY  YOU who stays the same and that through You, we ARE capable of change! Hallelujah and AMEN! That's the best news of all! That it is only through the One who never changes that we can become changed and transformed into Your likeness! More and more so each day. And as we do, we find our true selves once more. 
• And that person that we thought we had lost? She's been there all along. All the best pieces of us, just waiting to be rediscovered and re-put on! Redressed and Renewed in You. Praise the Lord!

The Clearance Table Bride: Revisited

             
 Hey y'all! I know that many of you read and really enjoyed my post that I did last year back in February about the Clearance Table Bride. (if you missed it, you can check it out here.) It seemed that it really connected with a lot of you and you truly identified with her, just as I did. Well as it turns out, the Lord had more for me there (and hopefully for each of you as well!) As I went throughout last year and the beginning of this year, whenever I was in the bookstore, I would usually glance over to the clearance table to see if she was still there. Sure enough, every time I looked, there she was. Then one evening, I was driving somewhere just lost in thought when the Lord broke in and said to me, "Go back and buy her." Needless to say, I was a bit thrown and replied, "I'm sorry, what?? You want me to go back to the bookstore and buy the clearance table bride?" He said, "Yes." So I thought, "Ok, that's a little odd, but I guess I can buy her. It's half off, so it's not like it's that much money." But He broke in again and said, "No. I don't think you understand. I  don't want you to buy her at the clearance table price, I want you to buy her at her original full price because that is what she is worth."

           WOW. I just sat there for a minute, somewhat stunned. What a beautiful physical reminder of me and my own journey over the past few years. (For more on that story click here.) Not only was He further reinforcing what He had already spoken over me time and again in regards to my own self-worth but He was also tying it into how I have often felt in regards to the lack of a significant romantic relationship in my own life. I have so dearly desired over the years to be chosen and known as someone's bride, but because that hasn't happened yet, I too sometimes feel like I am stuck on the clearance table of life. I felt like He was saying, "It's not just a reminder of what your worth is in Me, but also a reminder that I know the deepest desires of your heart and I want you to keep believing, hoping, and trusting in Me even when it feels like everything and everyone else has passed you by." So I went back to the store and I bought the dear little bride and brought her home with me. However, I knew once I bought her, it wasn't enough just to bring her home and leave it at that because even though she had been bought at full price, when you picked her up, her label still said "50% OFF. AS IS. NO GROOM."

         Y'all how many times is that our own story??? Jesus went to the cross and paid FULL PRICE FOR US to bring us home to Him, but so often we spend our lives walking around believing the lie/label that was placed on us stating that we too have been marked at 50% off because of something that we said or did, or didn't say or didn't do. But it's time for that to change! We as the Church and the BRIDE of Christ need to learn how to rise up, proclaim our true identity in Him and live each day as people who know that they are fully loved and fully worth the price that was paid for us! And that is why the Lord gave me these three simple words to write on the Clearance Table Bride as her new identity:

Furthermore, a couple months later right before Easter, I received this piece of pottery at Bible study:

Written in Greek, the word "Tetelestai" was a common phrase in 1st century marketplace. Shopkeepers and merchants would write it on a broken piece of pottery for you to take with you when you were leaving town to show that all your debts to them had been paid and that you were free to go. However, we are more likely to recognize it as Jesus's final words from the cross. The word simply means "It is Finished/Paid in Full." So there they sit together on my desk at work, my little bride and my broken piece of pottery- both physical reminders to me of who I am, whose I am and that I am worth absolutely everything that was paid for me!

1) How about you? Is there a symbol or a physical item that the Lord has used powerfully in your life to remind you of truths that He has spoken over you?

2) What are some simple easy things that you could do/place around your home to remind of your worth and identity in Him?

3) Finally, if you need some awesome songs to worship to and meditate on in regards to our identity and who we are in Christ- here are a couple of my current favorites!

I Am No Victim - Kristene Dimarco

Who You Say I Am - Hillsong 

Trust, Adventure, & How God Speaks to Me Through Disney Movies

            How does God speak to you? In what creative ways do you find Him pursuing you and meeting with you right where you are?  What ordinary things in your life does He use to impart truth, to challenge and to encourage you? For me, one of those ways is movies, especially Disney movies!  Our God is the Master Storyteller, the one who created us to love, enjoy, and appreciate the arts, so should it really surprise us when He shows up speaking to us in the middle of the story? Furthermore, I find many times that those are the moments that stick with me over the years, the ones where He takes a simple line/scene or a song from a movie and speaks straight to my heart and soul through it.  For me, one such movie is Aladdin.
     

Aladdin

         
           In the movie, Aladdin shows up on Jasmine's balcony with a magic carpet and asks the question, "Do you trust me?" before he takes her on a magic carpet ride all over the world. (If you somehow managed to live through the 90's without seeing this iconic scene or you just love it as much as I do, click here. 😉) The Lord used this scene back in the beginning of 2012 when I was really wrestling through some hard stuff and really questioning Him about the circumstances of my life and how it was playing out so differently from how I had thought it would. I remember so vividly how it happened! I was sitting on the floor by the couch in my parents' living just pouring my heart out to Him through my journal, when all of sudden this scene started playing in my mind! However, instead of it being Aladdin and Jasmine, it was the Lord on the magic carpet, holding out His hand to me and asking, "Do you trust me?" It was a very powerful and life-changing moment for me! I knew then that I had a choice to make:

Was I going to stay where I was, in the safety of my "palace",  feet firmly planted on the ground still demanding answers and wanting guarantees before I  agreed to join Him?

OR

Was I going to choose to reach out in faith, take His hand in trust and join Him for the ride of a lifetime?

            However, six years later, what I am learning is that this choice, (as much as I'd like it to be) is NOT a a one-time deal! It's a day by day, month by month, year by year type of choice. (And some days, it could even be a hour by hour or minute by minute choice.) Every day that we wake up, you have a choice to make, I have a choice to make. In the midst of all this, the cool thing that I have learned over the years is that each time that I choose to step up and step out in faith and trust, is that God is FAITHFUL to meet me there!! And as I live each day with Him, we develop a history and a relationship together! This is absolutely crucial because when I find myself in one of those painful, gut-wrenching, "I DON'T UNDERSTAND" moments, it is because of our history together and His track record of faithfulness, that I am able to stand, trust and proclaim my sacrifice of praise. Because sometimes that's all you've got. And I'm learning that that's ok. (More on that later.) And then, there are those times where He just blows your mind with blessings upon blessings and you find yourself feeling so humbled and just in awe of everything that He has done and is doing. Both are equal parts of life, we can't have one without the other and we are equally beloved in both. Our identity doesn't change with our circumstances! NO. Instead it is in and rests upon the never changing character of our fully trustworthy God. (and if you know me, you know that's a BIG DEAL for me to able to say that! God is just so good, y'all...) 😃
       
          What about you? Do you, like me, find that you like your safe palace and all the answers while at the same time longing for the boldness, guts, & courage, that it would take for you to climb onto that magic carpet and go for a ride? If so, join me in answering these questions below:

• What does your "palace" look like? 
•   What are you still demanding answers/guarantees for that God is calling you to?
•   What would it look like for you to step out in trust and take that magic carpet ride? (It doesn't have to be anything big or extravagant, it might be something that looks incredibly simple, but you and the Lord both know what a big deal that choice/step of obedience would be. After all, I find that it's usually that first step that's one of the hardest for me to make.)
• Finally, is there a pocket of time this week that you could set aside to answer these questions? Break out the journal and a pen! Or grab a good friend to talk/pray through this with them and a good cup of coffee to drink while you do so! I promise that if you do, that it'll be time well spent. 
• And Finally, Finally...Don't be afraid to have a Disney sing-along together!! Belt it out, TOP OF YOUR LUNGS!! Off key, On key, doesn't matter, just do it! And have fun!

         

Chapter 5: The One Who Saw Me Dancing

Hello All! I'm currently telling the story of what the Lord has been doing in my life over the past 2 years, and each segment builds upon the previous ones, so if you haven't read the first part yet, I would recommend going back to my original post  and starting there! It'll make way more sense that way! 😊 Oh and thanks for stopping by and reading! 

Wow. now that we have made it to the first week of March 2018, I have finally made it to the beginning of 2016 in my story! Haha! I absolutely love this part of it though because this is where it all starts to come together! (At least for me!) This where everything that the Lord was doing and speaking into my life finally started coming together in an absolutely unexpected way! I got a boyfriend for my 29th birthday! Yeah, I was surprised too! What was even more surprising is the healing and freedom that came about because of that relationship! It was with a friend of mine from church (one that I never would have expected to be interested in, much less date, but God can be funny like that when He is working in our lives.) Even from the very beginning, I knew that it was the Lord who had brought us together because it was the very first time in my life that I found myself in a relationship where I hadn't manipulated or schemed or tried to control anything or anyone to try to get it to happen, it just did. (For all the other control freaks/recovering control freaks out there, you'll understand what I mean there... 😉 ) So how did it happen?
        Well it all started (for me at least), when he gave me a poem that he had written for me. In it he talked about he could see my heart for Lord in the way that I danced as I worshiped Him, but that he could also see how I didn't see my true worth and beauty that I had in Christ because of the lies that I was believing about myself.  WOW.  I was completely blown away and incredibly touched!! I'd never had anyone (especially a guy) write a poem that wasn't just FOR me, but was also so incredibly insightful and complimentary ABOUT me.
         And now looking back, I can see how that poem set the tone for our whole entire dating relationship (even though I didn't realize it at the time.) From the very beginning, Z was constantly pouring words of affirmation and scripture over me, whether it was through text or in person. I was like a dried out old sponge in the middle of the desert and he came along like a rain that I didn't know that I needed. And just like that sponge, I kept soaking and soaking up every last little drop. I couldn't get enough. Furthermore, Z could read me like a book! I couldn't get away with hiding anything from him. There was no "I'm fine." and him letting it go. He wouldn't let me sweep my stuff (no matter how minimal) under the rug and say it was nothing. He would make me deal with it, but it was always in the most kind, patient, and loving way possible. For the first time in a very long time, I was finally beginning to understand what it looked like to be cherished and cared for in the context of a romantic relationship. Z became a safe place for me to be able to express my fears, worries, insecurities, etc.
          In fact, one of my favorite memories from us dating was when we were in my kitchen working on something when all of a sudden, I was struck by  all these overwhelming thoughts and fears of "What if I can't do this?" "What if I'm just not any good at relationships??" What if I fail?" "What if I who I am is not enough for Z or for this relationship?" I just started freaking out in the middle of my kitchen spewing all these thoughts and fears out onto him. He grabbed me by the shoulders, looked me in the eye and asked, "But who does God say you are? What does He see when He looks at you? Not, what do you think about yourself, but what does God say about you?" Then Z started quoting the line from "Good Good Father"  that says, "I am loved by you and that's who I am. " Then he made me stand there in the middle of the kitchen and declare the truth of who I was in Christ over myself and I just lost it!! I fell into his arms and started bawling! Y'all it wasn't pretty tears, either. It was most definitely the ugly cry and Z just stood there and held me in his embrace. It was one of the most beautifully sacred and healing moments that I have ever had. (It was also especially meaningful because of my past history with the Lord and that song at the most recent Quiet Waters. )
      What a GIFT to be able to share the real me and be held, comforted, and cared for in the midst of all my mess. And yet, that is what the Lord longs to do with us each day - after all that's what this whole story is about - Jesus's pursuit of us, His LOVE for us, His desire for each of us to come to Him in the midst of the mess, mayhem, and monotony of  our everyday life. He longs for us to come to Him to be held. The question is, will we have the courage and the boldness to go to Him to be held,  even when what He's doing in our lives seems to be the opposite of how we thought the story would go? What about instead of the happily ever after, we find ourselves angry, confused and feeling like the rug has been pulled out from under us? What then?

I encourage you to ponder those questions for yourself and your own life, and then if you're curious to see how I dealt with them, come back for Chapter 6 and the next part of the story!