Chapter 5: The One Who Saw Me Dancing

Hello All! I'm currently telling the story of what the Lord has been doing in my life over the past 2 years, and each segment builds upon the previous ones, so if you haven't read the first part yet, I would recommend going back to my original post  and starting there! It'll make way more sense that way! 😊 Oh and thanks for stopping by and reading! 

Wow. now that we have made it to the first week of March 2018, I have finally made it to the beginning of 2016 in my story! Haha! I absolutely love this part of it though because this is where it all starts to come together! (At least for me!) This where everything that the Lord was doing and speaking into my life finally started coming together in an absolutely unexpected way! I got a boyfriend for my 29th birthday! Yeah, I was surprised too! What was even more surprising is the healing and freedom that came about because of that relationship! It was with a friend of mine from church (one that I never would have expected to be interested in, much less date, but God can be funny like that when He is working in our lives.) Even from the very beginning, I knew that it was the Lord who had brought us together because it was the very first time in my life that I found myself in a relationship where I hadn't manipulated or schemed or tried to control anything or anyone to try to get it to happen, it just did. (For all the other control freaks/recovering control freaks out there, you'll understand what I mean there... 😉 ) So how did it happen?
        Well it all started (for me at least), when he gave me a poem that he had written for me. In it he talked about he could see my heart for Lord in the way that I danced as I worshiped Him, but that he could also see how I didn't see my true worth and beauty that I had in Christ because of the lies that I was believing about myself.  WOW.  I was completely blown away and incredibly touched!! I'd never had anyone (especially a guy) write a poem that wasn't just FOR me, but was also so incredibly insightful and complimentary ABOUT me.
         And now looking back, I can see how that poem set the tone for our whole entire dating relationship (even though I didn't realize it at the time.) From the very beginning, Z was constantly pouring words of affirmation and scripture over me, whether it was through text or in person. I was like a dried out old sponge in the middle of the desert and he came along like a rain that I didn't know that I needed. And just like that sponge, I kept soaking and soaking up every last little drop. I couldn't get enough. Furthermore, Z could read me like a book! I couldn't get away with hiding anything from him. There was no "I'm fine." and him letting it go. He wouldn't let me sweep my stuff (no matter how minimal) under the rug and say it was nothing. He would make me deal with it, but it was always in the most kind, patient, and loving way possible. For the first time in a very long time, I was finally beginning to understand what it looked like to be cherished and cared for in the context of a romantic relationship. Z became a safe place for me to be able to express my fears, worries, insecurities, etc.
          In fact, one of my favorite memories from us dating was when we were in my kitchen working on something when all of a sudden, I was struck by  all these overwhelming thoughts and fears of "What if I can't do this?" "What if I'm just not any good at relationships??" What if I fail?" "What if I who I am is not enough for Z or for this relationship?" I just started freaking out in the middle of my kitchen spewing all these thoughts and fears out onto him. He grabbed me by the shoulders, looked me in the eye and asked, "But who does God say you are? What does He see when He looks at you? Not, what do you think about yourself, but what does God say about you?" Then Z started quoting the line from "Good Good Father"  that says, "I am loved by you and that's who I am. " Then he made me stand there in the middle of the kitchen and declare the truth of who I was in Christ over myself and I just lost it!! I fell into his arms and started bawling! Y'all it wasn't pretty tears, either. It was most definitely the ugly cry and Z just stood there and held me in his embrace. It was one of the most beautifully sacred and healing moments that I have ever had. (It was also especially meaningful because of my past history with the Lord and that song at the most recent Quiet Waters. )
      What a GIFT to be able to share the real me and be held, comforted, and cared for in the midst of all my mess. And yet, that is what the Lord longs to do with us each day - after all that's what this whole story is about - Jesus's pursuit of us, His LOVE for us, His desire for each of us to come to Him in the midst of the mess, mayhem, and monotony of  our everyday life. He longs for us to come to Him to be held. The question is, will we have the courage and the boldness to go to Him to be held,  even when what He's doing in our lives seems to be the opposite of how we thought the story would go? What about instead of the happily ever after, we find ourselves angry, confused and feeling like the rug has been pulled out from under us? What then?

I encourage you to ponder those questions for yourself and your own life, and then if you're curious to see how I dealt with them, come back for Chapter 6 and the next part of the story!