Chapter 5: The One Who Saw Me Dancing

Hello All! I'm currently telling the story of what the Lord has been doing in my life over the past 2 years, and each segment builds upon the previous ones, so if you haven't read the first part yet, I would recommend going back to my original post  and starting there! It'll make way more sense that way! 😊 Oh and thanks for stopping by and reading! 

Wow. now that we have made it to the first week of March 2018, I have finally made it to the beginning of 2016 in my story! Haha! I absolutely love this part of it though because this is where it all starts to come together! (At least for me!) This where everything that the Lord was doing and speaking into my life finally started coming together in an absolutely unexpected way! I got a boyfriend for my 29th birthday! Yeah, I was surprised too! What was even more surprising is the healing and freedom that came about because of that relationship! It was with a friend of mine from church (one that I never would have expected to be interested in, much less date, but God can be funny like that when He is working in our lives.) Even from the very beginning, I knew that it was the Lord who had brought us together because it was the very first time in my life that I found myself in a relationship where I hadn't manipulated or schemed or tried to control anything or anyone to try to get it to happen, it just did. (For all the other control freaks/recovering control freaks out there, you'll understand what I mean there... 😉 ) So how did it happen?
        Well it all started (for me at least), when he gave me a poem that he had written for me. In it he talked about he could see my heart for Lord in the way that I danced as I worshiped Him, but that he could also see how I didn't see my true worth and beauty that I had in Christ because of the lies that I was believing about myself.  WOW.  I was completely blown away and incredibly touched!! I'd never had anyone (especially a guy) write a poem that wasn't just FOR me, but was also so incredibly insightful and complimentary ABOUT me.
         And now looking back, I can see how that poem set the tone for our whole entire dating relationship (even though I didn't realize it at the time.) From the very beginning, Z was constantly pouring words of affirmation and scripture over me, whether it was through text or in person. I was like a dried out old sponge in the middle of the desert and he came along like a rain that I didn't know that I needed. And just like that sponge, I kept soaking and soaking up every last little drop. I couldn't get enough. Furthermore, Z could read me like a book! I couldn't get away with hiding anything from him. There was no "I'm fine." and him letting it go. He wouldn't let me sweep my stuff (no matter how minimal) under the rug and say it was nothing. He would make me deal with it, but it was always in the most kind, patient, and loving way possible. For the first time in a very long time, I was finally beginning to understand what it looked like to be cherished and cared for in the context of a romantic relationship. Z became a safe place for me to be able to express my fears, worries, insecurities, etc.
          In fact, one of my favorite memories from us dating was when we were in my kitchen working on something when all of a sudden, I was struck by  all these overwhelming thoughts and fears of "What if I can't do this?" "What if I'm just not any good at relationships??" What if I fail?" "What if I who I am is not enough for Z or for this relationship?" I just started freaking out in the middle of my kitchen spewing all these thoughts and fears out onto him. He grabbed me by the shoulders, looked me in the eye and asked, "But who does God say you are? What does He see when He looks at you? Not, what do you think about yourself, but what does God say about you?" Then Z started quoting the line from "Good Good Father"  that says, "I am loved by you and that's who I am. " Then he made me stand there in the middle of the kitchen and declare the truth of who I was in Christ over myself and I just lost it!! I fell into his arms and started bawling! Y'all it wasn't pretty tears, either. It was most definitely the ugly cry and Z just stood there and held me in his embrace. It was one of the most beautifully sacred and healing moments that I have ever had. (It was also especially meaningful because of my past history with the Lord and that song at the most recent Quiet Waters. )
      What a GIFT to be able to share the real me and be held, comforted, and cared for in the midst of all my mess. And yet, that is what the Lord longs to do with us each day - after all that's what this whole story is about - Jesus's pursuit of us, His LOVE for us, His desire for each of us to come to Him in the midst of the mess, mayhem, and monotony of  our everyday life. He longs for us to come to Him to be held. The question is, will we have the courage and the boldness to go to Him to be held,  even when what He's doing in our lives seems to be the opposite of how we thought the story would go? What about instead of the happily ever after, we find ourselves angry, confused and feeling like the rug has been pulled out from under us? What then?

I encourage you to ponder those questions for yourself and your own life, and then if you're curious to see how I dealt with them, come back for Chapter 6 and the next part of the story!
           

Chapter 4: Learning More of Who I Am in Him

Hello All! I'm currently telling the story of what the Lord has been doing in my life over the past 2 years, and each segment builds upon the previous ones, so if you haven't read the first part yet, I would recommend going back to my original post  and starting there! It'll make way more sense that way! 😊 Oh and thanks for stopping by and reading! To God be the Glory! 

Last time we left off, we were at Quiet Waters in April 2015 and the Lord had just spoken to me about how He wanted me to move up towards the front of the room instead of staying in the back and dancing. As we fast forward six months to the next Quiet Waters in November of 2015, we will see how He continued to keep speaking to me and building upon these same themes that we've seen so far in the past few blog posts. 
        Coming back to Quiet Waters in November after having that conversation with the Lord about me moving up to the front of the room was really neat in several ways. First of all, it was cool to be able to see the progress/growth that happened in my life over the past six months. I was also able to note the ways in which I could experience a new level of freedom in my worship and relationship with Christ. I was no longer moving to the front with great reluctance and trepidation, but rather with a sense of expectancy and joy to be able to see how the Lord was going to meet with me and speak to me in those moments! And WOW, did He ever!!!! I don't remember exactly which session it was that this happened, but I'm pretty sure that it wasn't until either late morning or last evening session on Friday, but I DO know exactly what song they were playing and where I was standing! 😉    
          However, before we get there, allow me to share another little bit of back story about myself that isn't commonly known.  For several years previously, every time that I would be worshiping (especially dancing), I would get this picture/vision in my head of this amazingly talented & graceful ballerina as she would dance this beautifully choreographed dance across my mind. She would always equally stun and frustrate me because the dance she was doing was amazing and I always thought, "if only there was way for me to translate this to someone who actually knew how to dance, so that they could bring this masterpiece to life!"  But alas, I have no actual ballet training and never was sure how to explain her to anyone, so she just hung out in my head with me while I danced. 😉
           Going back to Quiet Waters, I was up near the front, doing my normal thing, singing and dancing and the band starts playing the song "Good Good Father". I was already excited because I love that song, but then we get to the middle of it when God broke into my subconsciousness to speak these words over me! He was saying, "Julia, do you hear yourself? Yes, I am a good, good father, but that next line- that's YOU! That is what you need to be able to embrace if you are ever going to be secure in who you are as a person. You've got to know that deep down, NOT only am I a good, good father, but that you are loved by me and that's who YOU ARE!!" Wow. Mind. Blown. And yet, while I'm still trying to wrap my mind around revelation of grace from Him, He continues on, "Oh, and that beautifully graceful dancer in your head that you keep seeing?? That's you. 😘 She is you. That is how I see you when you dance for me. Those steps that she is dancing, those are the ones that I am giving to you for you to dance for me." And with those words resonating and taking up root in me, I began to be able to twirl and dance and sing with a FREEDOM that I never had had before! No longer was the beautiful dancer inside of me, but she was ME! WOW...talk about giving above and beyond anything we could ask or imagine! (Eph 3:20-21) Thank you Lord! I was absolutely just blown away by those 2 revelations and I hope that you are too! Because those words of love that He spoke over me? They are just as true for you too! He speaks them over each one of us as long as we take the time and space to let it happen. 😊YOU ARE LOVED BY HIM and THAT'S WHO YOU ARE...Believe it, Declare it, Receive it, Dwell on it!!! Let it soak into every single one of your pores!!! Your Father in Heaven loves you!! He is FOR you! And He is WITH you! Every single day, every single moment! You are BELOVED. Thank you Jesus!!

Saturday. The day between Friday & Sunday

Saturday.
 The day of confusion.
The day of discouragement and lost hope.
 The day of grappling with the question of "What just happened??
How could He have failed?
How on Earth did we end up here??
Sit here. Wrestle with it.
And be changed in your belief that nothing is happening.
 Is it really??
Or is it perhaps that the growth, the change you've been looking for, waiting for, & praying for is really all happening out of sight, underneath the surface just like a seed or a flower bulb that has sprouted underground, but has not yet made its way to the surface?
I know that we love to say, "It's Friday, but Sunday is coming!" But what about Saturday?? What about when you don't know that Sunday is coming?? Has anyone else ever felt like that their life is stuck in a holding pattern of Saturdays? If so, read on for some thoughts that I wrote a few Easters ago and still tend to ponder every year at this time.

"It's funny how your perspective changes when you are remembering and anticipating celebrating something that has already happened, versus living in it. For us, the day between Good Friday and Easter is a day of anticipation, of looking forward to joining together with our fellow believers to rejoice in the fact that our Savior is risen, and has indeed defeated death. HALLELUJAH!!!

However for the disciples, this day was not a joyful day, but one filled with grief, anguish, and the thousand other emotions that fill you up (and at times seem to crash over you & overwhelm you like ocean waves) when you've lost someone dear to your heart. It seems like the end...and yet surely it can't be. He said He was the Christ, the Messiah, the one we had been waiting for, but now He's just gone...it wasn't supposed to happen this way! Denial comes along with forgetting, if just for only a moment, before a fresh new wave of remembrance and grief smacks you upside the head again. On and on the cycle goes, you don't want to remember, but at the same time, you can't seem to forget either. And what about the chief priests and authorities? Are they coming after us next?? Was Jesus's death enough to satisfy them or will they turn to us next? If they do leave us alone, what do we do next? We've been traveling with Jesus for 3 years, what do we do now? Just go home? Do we even have homes anymore?

-- This we so often forget, that while we are getting ready to celebrate, they were just left wondering and confused. They did NOT know that Sunday was coming. So today, take a few mins to think about what it would have been like back then without the hope and knowledge we have today and let that infuse your celebration tomorrow!! For the more we feel the disciples' pain today, how much more so will we feel the JOY in declaring, "He is Risen, He is Risen, indeed!"

Chapter 3: Letting Loose the Ballet Dancer Inside of Me

Hello All! I'm currently telling the story of what the Lord has been doing in my life over the past 2 years, and each segment builds upon the previous ones, so if you haven't read the first part yet, I would recommend going back to my original post  and starting there! It'll make way more sense that way! 😊 Oh and thanks for stopping by and reading! 

       So we've finally made it to Quiet Waters in April of 2015! One of the first things that happened while I was there was that during the music, the Lord gave me a specific message for a really good friend of mine that really helped to once again confirm that I could and was indeed hearing Him speak to me with messages that He had for those around me. Second of all, because of my love for almost all things classic Disney, this same friend dubbed me his "fairy godmother," a role that I cherish and still take quite seriously to this day. As much as I do love that story, however, it's not the one that I want to focus on today. The main story that I want to start to share is the story of me meeting the love  and person of Jesus through my dancing before Him and with Him in worship. 

       Dance. Dancing. A Dancer. These words have become so dear and so thematic of the past 2 years of my life (and they continue to be in my current life as well.) It's not only the physical act of dancing or of being a dancer, but of  how the Lord  is using that as metaphor for my whole life in how He wants to lead and guide me. (But now I'm getting ahead of myself...) Anyway, as in most things in life, in order to move forward, we must look back as well. As a self-proclaimed history dork, I believe that to truly appreciate the current story, that it is crucial to know the history behind it, which is why we must travel even farther back to my high school/college years for just a minute.

         I've also always been a pretty physically expressive person, so it should come as no surprise that I have come to love dancing to worship music. I wasn't always like that though. It originally started as a way for me to be able to connect with the Lord in the privacy of my own room with no one else around. There was just something about certain songs that moved me to want dance out what the music was bringing out in me. I would also dance at church, but it was usually just hopping up and down in place to the beat of a song. As I started to feel more secure and at home in my church environment, I would go to the back of the room in order to be able move about a little more freely. I know that I commented to more than one person that if I could see myself, I would probably be too mortified to ever dance again....(haha coordination has never been a strong suit of mine...) 

      Coming back to 2015 and Quiet Waters, I've got my place dancing in the back of the room when I feel the Lord impressing me to go up towards the front. Not the front front, but the front off to the left side of the rows of chairs. (He basically just wanted me to move forward from the space where I was.) I immediately, of course, started arguing with Him, informing Him of all the reasons that why that was not a good idea. "Lord," I said, "I can't go up there, I might distract someone. You know that's why I always dance in the back, so as not to distract others from their pursuit of meeting with you." (Isn't it ridiculous how good that we can get at spiritualizing our reasons for disobedience sometimes?) I imagine that He made one of those snort laughs that tends to come out when we think someone is just being utterly ridiculous, and again He said, "I want you to go to the front..." Even though it took everything in me, I began to slowly move forward...bit by bit by bit....but it seemed like the closer that I got to the front, the more stilted, bound up, and awkward that I felt...People could actually see me now without having to look behind them! I said, "Lord, are you sure about this?? No one else is up here and I really don't want to be distracting anyone who's trying to focus on You.." And you know what He said?? "Julia, this has nothing to do with you not wanting to distract people and everything to do with the fact that you don't feel worthy enough to be up here. You don't dance in the back because you're humble, you dance in the back because that's where you feel that you belong." 

      Y'all I couldn't believe it!! My mind was blown again! He was once again revealing another layer to me of this stronghold that I found myself in that I didn't even know was there!!! It was like peeling back the layers of an onion, one layer at a time. If there is anything at all that I have learned about the Lord's heart towards us through all of this, it is this...He is so gracious to us and so patient in the way that He deals with us and all our stuff!! He knows it all already, but He also knows how much or little we can handle and He deals with us accordingly. He's not looking for an immediate "fix" but rather, He is willing to walk with us THROUGH it, because He is IMMANUEL, God WITH Us. Amen and Hallelujah! I do so hope and pray that you'll allow Him to walk with YOU through whatever you may be going through or dealing with right now! He's not done speaking to you yet! And He wasn't done with me either! There's more to come in chapter 4! Stay tuned to hear how He helped me to break though those lies of unworthiness to be able to dance freely for Him no matter where I am!! 😄

   

Chapter 2: The Blue Candle

Hello All! I'm currently telling the story of what the Lord has been doing in my life over the past 2 years, and each segment builds upon the previous ones, so if you haven't read the first part yet, I would recommend going back to my original post and starting there! It'll make way more sense that way! 😊 Oh and thanks for stopping by and reading! 

Chapter 2

              A month or so later (while I'm still wrestling through all that the Lord had spoken to me about already) one of the pastors at my church approached me about being on a prayer team for an event at our church that we have twice a year. I hesitated, not really feeling super confident in my abilities to be a prayer team member, and so he just asked me to think and pray about it, and to get back to him in a week or two. A few days later I was at Chick-fil-a with a couple friends from work, enjoying our delectable chicken nuggets as well as each others' company. As we were finishing up, we decided to take the time to not only share prayer requests, but to pray with and for another as well. As Heather began to pray for Emily, I began to get this picture in my head, which seemed to have nothing to do with what she was praying about, but the more she prayed, the more vivid the picture became. Even after she was done, I couldn't shake the image out of my head! So I took a big breath of courage and stepped out into the unknown... I said, "So I got this image in my head and I am not really sure what it means at all, but hopefully it'll mean something to you". I then began to describe the vision to her and to do my best to pray into it. When I was done praying, I looked up to see that Emily was just absolutely bawling her eyes out, complete with mascara and eye liner stains all down her cheeks!! She just looked at me and kept repeating over and over, "You have no idea...you just have no idea! You really have no idea..." No explanation, just the phrase "You have no idea...you really have no idea..." And you know what? I didn't need to know! Whatever it meant, that was obviously between her and the Lord and it was clear to both of us that I was just the messenger. However, it was also very clear what the Lord was wanting to speak to me about! It was this moment of  confidence building, of realizing,"Oh wait...I can do this after all! I DO hear from the Lord and He DOES speak through me to others!" So the very next day I called up the pastor and told him that yes I would like to be placed on a prayer team after all...which leads to chapter 3 and how the Lord began to slowly dismantle this prison that I had unintentionally found myself in in chapter 1... 

Learning to Dance...The Past Two Years in Retrospect - Chapter 1

Wow. My heart is almost full to bursting over all that I have to share with you today, for this blog post has been a long time coming! This is the story that I would eagerly share with you in person, but for some reason when it comes to actually writing it down and publishing it here, it gets pushed to the back burner as procrastination, distractions, and excuses take first place instead. This is the story that the enemy does NOT want me to write- for this is the story of my past two years, the story of a loving God who has been relentlessly pursuing me, wooing me, teaching me of His love, and calling me out onto the dance floor of life with Him. Or as my very wise and awesome best friend once wrote to me in the midst of everything,  "But you are entering the true story of grace- where you want to ask God for "steps 1,2,3...." and He says, "Once upon a time..."

Chapter One - The Compliment

             This all began a couple years ago with a simple compliment from a friend. We were sitting on the couch at my apt with my roommate hanging out and talking when he turned to me and gave me possibly one of the greatest compliments that I have ever been given. Ironically, I can't remember exactly what it was he said, but it was something to the effect of "You are an amazing, godly woman, and don't ever feel like you need to change who you are, because you give us guys something to strive for." I sat there stunned, not even sure how to react. I even remember looking over at my roommate as if she would know how to respond for me...Anyway, I'm sure that I muttered out something and the conversation moved on...but the growing unease that it caused in me did not. In fact, it seemed to be growing steadily instead, until one morning on the way to work, I started talking to the Lord about it. I said, "Lord, I know that I am usually not super great with accepting compliments, but what is it about this one? Why after several days, do I still not know how to handle it?" It was then that the Lord revealed to me that what I THOUGHT was humility was actually a type of false humility. I wasn't thinking of myself less (humility), I was being self-deprecating and thinking less of myself  and had actually become entangled in this huge stronghold of lies about myself that I didn't even realize were there! I was absolutely blown away and befuddled by how sly and subtle the enemy had been in building that stronghold brick-by-brick and here I was completely oblivious! Well, I was NOT oblivious anymore, Thank the Lord! (literally) However, where was I supposed to go from here? How was I supposed to be able to break free from this stronghold of lies about my identity and self-worth that I found myself in? That's where Chapter 2 comes in... 😉

Ducks & Sponges

        Where are you in life right now? Are you currently being a duck or a sponge? Not sure? Just really confused in general? Haha, well then let me explain. Being a duck or a sponge is a picture that the Lord gave me last year to help illustrate a very important point that He wanted to teach me. The explanation is this- in every situation and relationship that we have in our life we are going to be either a duck or sponge. And depending on the situation/relationship each one could be either good or bad. It's all about what we soak in (like a sponge) and what we let roll off our backs. (Like water off a duck's feathers.) There are times that we need to a sponge soaking it all up, absorbing every last drop, and there are times that we just need to let it roll off and move on with our lives! However, I felt the Lord saying,"The problem here is that you tend to be a duck when you should be a sponge and sponge when you should be a duck." WOW. I wanted to stand up and deny it, but as I tried to come up with a defense and I thought through my life, I realized that He was right...How many times had I absorbed up criticism from others or the lies from the enemy instead of just letting it roll off and moving on? Then, when the Lord would send along someone to speak words of affirmation and/or love over me and my life, I would just brush it off or deflect it...Wow, what a moment of breakthrough and revelation that was for me to have that word picture sitting right there in my mind! And so now, whatever situation that I am in, I can immediately go to that picture and think, "Do I need to be a sponge or a duck right now?" It's been awesome in helping me to realize what needs to absorbed and what needs to just be deflected.  Now, do I get it right all the time? Heck, no!! And yet, it has still been extremely helpful for me to apply to my life.

How about you? How does visualizing yourself as a duck or a sponge help you process things and work through different situations in your life? Feel free to share below if you'd like!

Finally, Lord help us to remember to ALWAYS be sponges when it comes to You and the many ways that You speak to us! We want to hear from You, for you are the Way, the Truth, and the Life. Your words bring life and healing to our souls. You are our Good Shepherd! Help us to come to know you more and more each day, to be filled up with You, so that we may be poured/squeezed out for You. It's in Your Son's Name that we pray, Amen.